Updated 3 years ago
This was my first article of the COVID era.
In rough chronological order:
Knots in your hair (also known as elf-locks)? Elves. Nightmares? Elves again. Whatever water-elf disease is? You guessed it.
Black Death? – Kill Jews, lepers, beggars, friars, black cats and other animals
Sick? Apply leeches and mercury.
Female hysteria? Hypnosis, “vibrating devices,” jets of water blasted at the abdomen, and, in extreme cases, hysterectomies.
Excessive masturbation? Kellogg’s Corn Flakes.
Need a pick me up? Here, try some cocaine laced Coca Cola.
Baby can’t sleep? Put morphine in their milk
Wife giving sass to husband? Lobotomy and/or shock therapy
…and Coronavirus, which itself is caused by the slaughter of endangered exotic animals inspired by ancient Chinese superstition?
-Stop drinking Corona Beer.
-If you’re a taxi driver, redline Chinatown.
-If you’re a leader, censor, censor, censor. Stave off economic turmoil by silencing medical professionals. Put a guy who believes in gay conversion therapy in charge.
-Hope for a “miracle.”
And to top it all off, if a vaccine is developed many will refuse to take it, and it will never really go away.
That moment you realize – in the long run, just blaming elves woulda saved lives.
