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OSLO, NORWAY—Not wanting reports of the happy, healthy lives of its citizens to demoralize people living outside the Scandinavian nation, Norway announced Monday that it would start hiding its standard of living to make other countries feel better about themselves. “In an effort to not lord it over the rest of the…Read more [...]

It’s no secret that school textbooks don’t cover the whole of American history, and that important facts about this great nation are often omitted to serve a narrative. In the name of keeping truth alive, The Onion presents these real accounts from American history that the “woke” left doesn’t want you to know.Read more [...]

WASHINGTON—Stating that “something is always better than nothing,” the Internal Revenue Service announced Monday that starting your taxes was good enough. “Just get your name on there, maybe your birth date, that’s all we really care about,” said IRS commissioner Daniel Werfel, who shrugged his shoulders and admitted…Read more [...]

WASHINGTON—Telling Americans that they must act now to avoid losing out on the chance of a lifetime, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas announced at a press conference Monday a 50% discount on all favorable rulings. “Today and today only, I’m offering half off on tilting any jurisprudence in your favor—all…Read more [...]

NASA put out an open call for applications to take part in a simulated Mars mission in which a four-person crew will live and work for a full year inside the 1,700-square-foot Mars Dune Alpha habitat at NASA’s Johnson Space Center. What do you think?Read more [...]

WASHINGTON—Providing a striking insight into the beliefs of likely voters in the lead-up to the 2024 election, a poll released Monday by the Pew Research Center found that only 19% of Americans believed the country was ready for a competent president. “Our nation has come a long way, but if you put someone with…Read more [...]

Amid mounting international pressure for the Israel-Hamas war to end, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu today detailed his vision for postwar Gaza, though the plans have sparked more controversy than concord. The Onion breaks down each point proposed in the plan and how it will affect Gaza.Read more [...]

After switching to a test-optional policy during the Covid pandemic four years ago, Yale recently reversed its decision to not require standardized testing for admission, stating that test scores can “highlight an applicant’s areas of academic strength.” What do you think?Read more [...]

MONTGOMERY, AL—Sparking a national debate about the separation of church and state, Alabama Supreme Court Chief Justice Tom Parker came under fire this week for blatantly invoking VeggieTales in an official ruling. “Somebody up there is really upset with somebody down here,” the decision read in part, attributing the…Read more [...]

COLUMBIA, SC—Claiming she still had a quarter tank and was ready to fight, Republican presidential candidate Nikki Haley vowed Friday to remain in the race until her campaign bus ran out of gas. “To the critics who say I should drop out, let me be clear: I am in this race for as long as it takes for my campaign bus’s…Read more [...]

SAN ANTONIO—As they took turns trying to jump up and tap it out, the San Antonio Spurs confirmed Friday that Victor Wembanyama’s head had gotten lodged between the rim and backboard again. “It’s really wedged in there good—hey, can I borrow that?” Spurs head coach Gregg Popovich said to a nearby custodian, before…Read more [...]

The number of migrants seeking to cross the U.S.-Mexico border has divided Congress and communities alike, leaving no clear path forward on immigration. But as a largely Christian nation, it’s reasonable that Americans should turn to the ultimate moral authority to solve this issue: Jesus Christ. Here’s how Jesus…Read more [...]

MESA, AZ—Noting how fun it was to push his creativity to the next level, local man James Shafley told reporters Friday that trying to make a meal from a bag of groceries he had recently stolen was like a real-life version of the television show Chopped. “It’s amazing—I’ve got all these completely random ingredients I…Read more [...]

NEW YORK—Touting the new product as a “transformative approach to skincare,” luxury cosmetics manufacturer Lancôme announced Friday the release of a full-body moisturizing chrysalis, now available at select retailers. “This beautiful chitin structure is filled with 80 gallons of our patented moisturizing enzymes,…Read more [...]

PARIS—With a minaret protruding from atop the former Catholic cathedral as the repairs that followed a 2019 fire neared an end, the removal of scaffolding around Notre Dame revealed Friday that it had accidentally been rebuilt as a mosque. “Well, shit,” contractor Mathieu Renaud told reporters, explaining that he had…Read more [...]

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Cumtown – the best
TAFS: Creamium TownFoxboy#cumtown

2 Bears 1 Cave
Weekly, comedian best friends Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer get together in the bear cave at YMH Studios to do what bears do: make each other laugh.

Duncan Trussel Family Hour

Jokes

Anon
Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, the mechanics German, the lovers Italian and it’s all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is where the chefs are British, the mechanics French, the lover’s Swiss, the police German and it’s all organized by the Italians.

Picked up a hitchhiker and he asked me, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?” I replied, “The chances of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical.” He asked me to pull over and let him out.
“A chap who conducted discussions
In shady conditions with Russians
Then lied and misled
Has recently said
He’ll snitch to evade repercussions. “

Bruce Baum
I don’t know what’s wrong with my television set I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station I actually bought a congressman.

Rita Mae Brown
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness Think of your three best friends If they are okay, then it’s you.

Johnny Carson
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Cherokee Saying
Never criticize a man until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes Then if he doesn’t like what you have to say, you’re a mile away, and you have his shoes

Ellen DeGeneres
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal There you go I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her

Merrill Denison
Americans are benevolently ignorant about Canada, whereas Canadians are malevolently informed about the United States.

Bob Ettinger
Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.

Mitch Hedberg
NyQuil in a glass with ice. For when you’re feeling sick but sociable.

Warren Hutcherson
In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

Richard Jeni
I think that’s how Chicago got started A bunch of people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough Let’s go west

Jake Johansen
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. ‘You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?’ she sneered I replied in a psychotic tone, ‘I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too”

Garrison Keillor
Intelligence is like four-wheel drive, it’s not going to make you unstoppable, it just sort of tends to get you stuck in more remote places.

Jay Leno
If God doesn’t destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology”

Jack Mayberry
I voted for the Democrats because I didn’t like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.

Michael McShane
I’m a psychic amnesiac I know in advance what I’ll forget.

John Mendoza
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
If you’re cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?

Larry Miller
I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, ‘You’ll never find anyone like me again!’ I’m thinking, ‘I should hope not! If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you?

Lynda Montgomery
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God! I could be eating a slow learner!

Sue Murphy
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.

Conan O’Brien
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men I just want to say to the authors of that study:
‘Duh’”

Marilyn Pittman
What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?

Paula Poundstone
My mom said she learned how to swim Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat That’s how she learned how to swim I said. ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim’

Rita Rudner
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on’ On what? On fire?
It wasn’t that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.
I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don’t know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I’ll break up with someone on purpose.
Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

Jerry Seinfeld
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
The Swiss have an interesting army Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews, bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go You get me the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon Back off I’ve got the toe clippers right here.

Michael Skarn from The Office
Escape goat – I am not to be truffled with – This will be a huge coop people – ASAP as possible

Jon Stewart
“Thou shall not kill Thou shall not commit adultery Don’t eat pork.” I’m sorry, what was that last one?? Don’t eat pork? God has spoken Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?”

Lily Tomlin
I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Why is it that when we talk to God we’re said to be praying, but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic?

Steve Tyler, Aerosmith
It’s not the cough that carries you offit’s the coffin they carry you off in.

Jeff Whit.
Guy on internet obnoxiously bragging about how he is a marine. Someone askes, ok, so if you’re really a marine, what’s your creed. Guy says, “I don’t listen to Creed.”

Robin Williams
When you look at Prince Charles, don’t you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?

Lance Wong
I saw the best minds of MY generation on America’s Most Wanted. ProZyme, Inc., 1992

Steven Zikopoulos
Why am I going through life trying to make heads or tails of faceless coins? 1988

How to Talk to your Kids About Drugs
These days, pressure to do drugs is all around, so it’s vital that you reach your kids early. Here are some tips for talking to them about marijuana and other illegal substances.
Tell your kids that if they ever do drugs, CIA Director William Webster will think they are losers.
As an alternative to drugs, suggest “cool” drug-free activities, like making a bird feeder out of a milk carton or interviewing local seniors about what the olden days were like.
Before engaging in any stressful discussion with your children, take a moment to smoke a bowl or two to relax.
Scare your kids straight with the terrifying tale of the time you were 16 and did bong hits in the back of an El Camino outside a Kansas concert.
Explain that only lowlifes like pro athletes and rock stars use drugs.
Kids may ask too many questions. To save time, just explain to them that the powder-filled balloons will keep them from getting sick on the plane ride back to America.
If your child must use drugs, make it a culturally enriching experience by hiring a certified shaman to take him/her on a traditional peyote vision quest.
As an alternative to harmful drugs like marijuana, encourage your kids to experiment with safe, legal substances like cigarettes and alcohol.
Be direct, brief, and to the point. Remember, you only have about 45 minutes or so before the acid really starts to kick in.
Today’s kids place an emphasis on good “vibes” in a conversational setting. Accentuate the site of your talk with black-light posters and lava lamps. Keep the lighting dim, hanging wall-sized tie-dyes or tapestries over exterior windows to blot out all sunlight.
Explain to your kids that the reason they call it “dope” is that you have to be a “dope” to use it. From then on, the mere mention of “dope” will flood their minds with terrifying imagery of “being a dope,” scaring them off drugs forever.
Record your conversation with your child, then unspool, cut up and reassemble the recording at random. Use the resultant juxtaposed fragments to predict the future in a process similar to the throwing of the I Ching.
Ask the editors of Highlights For Children to repeat the strip in which Goofus OD’s and chokes on his own vomit in a bathroom stall at the train station.
Before bringing up drugs with your kids, hook your turntables up to a wah-wah pedal.
Whatever you do, do not talk to your kids about drugs.

So I was totes wrong about astrology being fake

Aquarius (Jan 23 – Feb 22) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a jerk.

Pisces (Feb 23 – Mar 22) You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Aries (Mar 23 – April 22) You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have major influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack of confidence but are still a general bad ass.

Taurus (April 23 – May 22) You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamed communist.

Gemini (May 23 – June 22) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 23 – July 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other people’s problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won’t be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving mothers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22) You are a logical type and hate disorder. Your shit- picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. If you are a male you are probably queer. Chances for emloyment and monetary gain are nill. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 22) You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 22) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless piece of shit.

Capricorn (Dec 23 – Jan 22) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

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