A Tweaker’s Guide to Yardwork

Updated 4 months ago

Concept Grass Closeup Green

You begin to “patrol” your yard like a dog. But if you follow a path around your yard, you will slowly kill that grass, creating a vicious cycle of upkeep. Once realized, you come to the understanding that you are a slave to the plants – that fleshy thing that comes along and feeds us. See also: Pets

You learn every possible excuse not to mow.

You get a set of dedicated yardwork footwear, be it steel-toed boots, sneakers, or crocs (if watering) or sandals (if not) if you’re feeling like living dangerously.

At the end of the work day you feel like you should drink a cold one out of respect for all who came before, but you want to keep your body fresh for tomorrow.

Trees are to be feared until mastered. You need to show’em who’s boss

There are always, always more roots than you can possibly imagine. One day with Augmented Reality you will be able to finally see all those root systems, and have a nervous breakdown.

The Chain Effect – like simulations of artifical lifeforms, the mowed lawn virus spreads from house to house, usually in a straight line down the block. Until it hits That House.

You become shameless watering the yard in your underwear. Your yard comes before your hygiene. You play brinkmanship with partial nudity laws.

Once neighbors see you working hard, and note you have a pickup, you are instantly their backup delivery guy because “that young man must have a strong back” and they are too cheap to pay for delivery. You quickly take notes on each microaggression, each hello not returned, saving it for a later laugh in their face when help is requested.


Life Advice from Modern Family’s Gloria Delgado-Pritchett

♬ original sound – Mac Hinelf

You begin to see nobility in manual labor, and feel kinship with the work ethic of Hispanic immigrants, and realize the Protestant work ethic is a dusty trope. But if you have no other work skills, “They’re Takin Our Jobs!” might become a real fear. Then you realize, wait, I’m just mowing my lawn!

You always need a bigger reciprocating saw. Assuming you are too casual/cheap for a chainsaw

You form Opinions on various power tool brands. How quality ebbs and flows. But regardless, Black and Decker is for old grannies

One day when remote power technology is a thing you will laugh at all the people who bought fancy cordless power tools, because in your fantasy world, the tech will be backward compatible with anything with a plug. But until then, your arms will get a serious workout

Toads, frogs, lizards are your partners in genocide. You feel ambivalent about killing off their food supply.

You become trained to study micro changes in your neighborhood for decay, be it more renters, loud cars and parties, cars more expensive than the house, liquor stores/gun shops/check cashing places opening up, more cars on the street than in driveways. graffiti, drug dealing/prostitution, trash, Pit Bulls, chicken coops, “is that a firecracker or a gun?” and most of all neglected lawns.
Consequently, all that hate you had for HOA’s becomes respect and envy, and “we need to get some people in there with teeth.”

You see people with fancy yards as “No Life Hipsters” who shop at Lowes until you go to Lowes or some bespoke local nursery and get those exotic plants and yard furniture, then everyone else is a “heathen.”

You learn that Lowes is to Home Depot as Target is to Walmart. Whatever. You end up shopping whichever is closest, and where there are more knowledgable old timers working.

The first thing you look at at other houses is their yards.

You start paying attention to weather and forecasts like a farmer or old people. Then you realize you are old people.

The Road

“Get off my lawn” is no longer ironic but a clarion call. The more time and effort you invest in your yard, the more protective you become. You check if your state has a castle doctrine. You may finally consider getting home protection, booby traps, a gun, or at the least cameras. Then you realize no one wants your crap and you live in a neighborhood where criminals LIVE and they have to drive to the other side of the tracks to steal anything worthwhile. After enough time passes, you begin to feel like a survivalist and consider getting things like a generator that can hook up to your power grid, or solar power, or cans of soup.

Mad Max 2
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