Updated 2 years ago
It is time to start imagining what a Biden administration would be like.
Let me start by affirming my unwavering support for the Biden. Though getting those pesky Bernie Bros back will be hard, and all the followers of that preachy Pocahontas, the Gay, His Wife, and His Lover, with some good old Rust Belt stick-tuitiveness, by golly, I think we can get’er done!
Let me state the obvious.
I would support Biden even if he shot someone in broad daylight on Fifth Avenue.
And also if it turned out he was the one that put pubes on Anita Hill‘s coke can, and molested Michael Jackson in the early 70s, making him wear white face powder, thus scarring Michael for life, and shot JFK and J.R., and tarred ‘n feathered Tawana Brawley, gave Rush Limbaugh his first job reference, and convinced Trump to go into politics.
Yes, Biden is the man for all seasoning. I’d tattoo his face on my dick and gladly be behind him in a Human Centipede even if he fulfilled Obama’s secret plans to put all Christians and gun owners into Death Camps in abandoned West Texas Wal-Marts and teach little girls to kill their babies, become lesbians, and practice witchcraft.
And brought back Jimmy Carter in an attempt to conjure Stagflation from the Dark Lord.
And if “Soylent Green was Pets!”
And made all international trade illegal. Computers would all be made by a nationally resurrected and subsidized Radio Shack, but this time they are very expensive, loaded with Windows ME 2000 but with Linux’s user friendliness and Apple’s commitment to customer service and Things Making Sense. Dialup America Online will be back!
And enact legislation to mandate male metzitzah b’peh circumcision at age 20 via oral suction from dodgy Brooklyn rabbis at Guantánamo. Females get it too, because the “genders are equal,” courtesy of several sub Saharan tribal elders
And became as hammy and lame as Michael Skarn in Threat Level Midnite but not funny haha but funny strange
And snorted, smoked, and stuck up his butt all the drugs seized in the War on Drugs
And had very advanced “Where the fuck am I” dementia that would make Reagan look like those know-it-all pseudointellectual hipster cucks from Vsauce and Folding Ideas.
And embarrassed my Proudboyish White European Western Civilization heritage in ways that even Trump couldn’t.
And was caught on film bragging that if he wanted a Brony or Furry he would just take some Tic Tacs and “Grab them Right in the Butthole” using horseshoes as a “sex toy”
And was not happy with just having “Biden Bros” but also made his wife lead up the “Biden Hos” with her in a bikini.
And put a foreclosure on the site of Alex Grey’s COSM a day before it opened and turns it into a Hooters.
And pardoned Julian Assange and Harvey Weinstein
And deported John Oliver.
And hired Michael Richards as Race Relations Czar, in blackface
And assigned Hillary Clinton to be ambassador of Libya
And signed a bill to “Manhattanize Brooklyn”
And annexed The Amazon as the 51st State, turning it all into cow pasture because “Those Big Macs Have to Come From Somewhere”
And when asked about the Kurds, he is like What is this, Little Miss Muppet??
And implemented a Chinese Social Credit system that involved a “666” tattooed on the forehead and right head.
And mandated that all school lunches have a Twinkie, 2 Ding Dongs, a grinder fulla Fentanyl and Krokodil, Pop Rocks and Coke, Soylent Green, and a Glock
And brought back RAVE Act 2: This Time It’s Also Psytrance
And made NYC’s old Cabaret Law the law of the land.
And (To demonstrate how high the ante can be raised here ) made all violent video games illegal (even Animal Crossing) and forcing Bethesda’s Doom to switch from a metal soundtrack to country & western. And subsidizes Star Citizen with junk bonds.
And he gave his son an office in the White House and made him Chief Bribery Officer/Ambassador to Ukraine and Russia
And he Made America Gay Again (OK, that one might be fun – Lindsey Graham will be so delighted!)
And he undid all of Trump’s policies and said what the HECK! and undid all of Obama’s policies that Trump had missed, then went back all the way to FDR’s legacy and Upton Sinclair’s The Jungle.
And he reconciled with Bernie, promising to “move towards Socialism” but since he has an 80-year-old’s perception of what socialism is, he proceeds to go straight to Great Step Forward/Cultural Revolution-era Maoism with a dash of Stalinism, Pol Pot, and Idi Amin “because I like input from the Black community”
Yes, it will be glorious, a new era in “Just OK.” I would offer Joe a free blowjob (no homo) even if he had at his Inauguration Insane Clown Posse, Blink 182, Nickelback, Limp Biskit, Rebecca Black, Miley Cyrus rapping “Head like a Hole” while in a duet with her dad singing “Achy Breaky Heart” and Hootie and the Blowfish, capped with an 8 hour long trainwrecked “Chimpmunks do the 80s” and Industrial DJ set by Machinelf with constant on-mic imitations of Scooter’s H.P. Baxter. Projections of My Serbian Film overhead.
Biden gets up on the stage and raps “This is a Big Fucking Deal!” while doing The Skarn.
And keeps Trump on as head of HUD.
And pardoned him.
And did a little lap dance for Donald in drag.
Rudy in tow.
Obviously.
