The Truth about Drugs

November 29, 2000

ECSTASY

How you think you behave: Like the beautiful, caring, wonderful person you really are.
How you actually behave: Like the creepy kid at school who always sucked up to the teacher. Those revolting sweaty hugs you inflict upon anyone you meet are disgusting.
Likelihood of getting laid: 30%. Sex is not important. It’s all about the “vibe.”
How you feel in the morning: Like you should have gone for the sex.
Embarrassment rating: 6/10 – Ecstasy makes you say nice things to people that you don’t like. This can be very embarrassing, particularly if people believe what you say. Be careful whom you give your phone number to. They just might call.

MARIJUANA

How you think you behave: You’re not sure, but you think people could be laughing at you.
How you actually behave: Like someone just hit you over the head with a car battery.
Likelihood of getting laid: 60%. If you spend enough time on the couch, anything can happen.
How you feel in the morning: Like another joint and the rest of that pizza.
Embarrassment rating: 1/10 – You are moving so slowly that it’s almost impossible to do anything stupid.

ALCOHOL

How you think you behave: Like the life of the party. You are sexy, funny and everybody likes you.
How you actually behave: Like the death of the party. Your behavior gets progressively worse as you tell more and more crass jokes, insult the bartender, spill your drink and make a pass at your best friend’s date.
Likelihood of getting laid: 90%. Your sexual standards drop dramatically with each consecutive drink. If surrounded by others whose standards are also lowered, then your chances are pretty good.
How you feel in the morning: Whom did I insult? Where is my car? Why did I sleep with someone from the office? I’ve never felt this bad before. This is absolutely the last time. Embarrassment rating: 10/10 – Not only are you stupid, you are sloppy. Everyone recognizes this, except you.

COCAINE

How you think you behave: You are smart, irresistible and want to “do lunch” with everyone. How you actually behave: Like an annoying know-it-all who would sell his soul for the next line of blow.
Likelihood of getting laid: 80%. It may be a Jedi Mind Trick, but when you sincerely believe you are so irresistible, some clueless and insecure type may actually fall for it.
How you feel in the morning: Like the apeman.
Embarrassment rating: 0/10 – if there’s more coke in the drawer. 9/10 – if there isn’t.

ACID or “SHROOMS”

How you think you behave: You are not behaving, but the world around you is putting on a pretty good show.
How you actually behave: In reality, it is you putting on the show. The rest of the world is behaving the same as ever.
Likelihood of getting laid: 20%. Even if you actually manage to get through the process of selecting a mate, removing your clothes and choosing a sexual position, you will then have to deal with the challenge of your partner changing into a furry animal, the devil, or possibly your mother.
How you feel in the morning: Either you are climbing the walls wishing that God would put an end to your suffering, or you finally understand Huxley’s “The Doors of Perception.” Embarrassment rating: 0/10 – You either sat on the couch and laughed at the TV all night even if it was turned off. Or you climbed onto a building, tried to fly and died.

KETAMINE

How you think you behave: You are communicating with out of time/out of body disembodied spirits
How you actually behave: Like a mentally retarded person or classic schizophrenic
Likelihood of getting laid: 20%. If you aren’t the evil date rapist type, then getting them to snort a big white line may be the only obstacle… but if you aren’t and they like it too your chances may be good, being in a out of body experience with someone else can be alluring How you feel in the morning: Strangely alert and sober
Embarrassment rating: 0/10 – You are pretty clueless to other’s perceptions by this point, you not only flunked Empathy 101, you’re in another school of dolphins entirely