Facebook Archetypes

Updated 4 months ago

Facebook Background 2

The Addict
The bread and nutter of Facebook, these hoi polloi keep the monetization revenues flowing.

The Borat
When you post pictures of your daughter sister or mother on Facebook, he comments “How much”

CArlos Mencia Meme


The Carlos Mencia copies and pastes your memes without attribution. Get Joe Rogan on their shit and they will say BRO THERE WAS NO SHARE BUTTEN IT WAS JUST THE PREMISE BRO YO YO WHITE PEOPLE DO THIS WATCH ME PLEASE PAY ATTENTION

The Charity Liker will Like posts simply to make a friend feel good/appreciated. Usually doesn’t read the article or look at the photos, because Who has Time for That

The Clickbaiter poses a ridiculous question or choice that just begs for you to start typing and correct them. Is it itself serious philosophical question that demands to be debated, an Aristotlian hair-splitting circle jerk, or a desperate call for attention?

Suggested Friends

The Cockroach lies in wait.
We’ve all been there. You’re scrolling down… and see THAT person.
You don’t want to give them the courtesy of a block because that would be conceding defeat in the contest of Who Cares Less.
So you try to find some setting to prevent that from ever happening again. Hiding that panel. You can’t.
So they lurk in the background, like a roach in your cabinet, just waiting to pop out at the most inopportune moment.
And the craziest part is, they are probably completely oblivious to this whole psychotic scenario that has been created.

The Conspiracist – when questioned of the validity of their theories, will post YouTubes from sites such as Infowars and Natural News of research they have performed

Creepy Necro – will reply to something from 10 years ago so it pops up in 2020

Delete back to OK
Delete back to OK.jpg

The Deleter takes passive aggression to a new art form. In Facebook, by clicking “Edited” you can sometimes find reams of back-and-forth insults and reconciliation, like manic depression on steroids, complete conversations between their id and superego, and you can follow their slow descent into madness, all of which often ends in something completely banal, as if they are running to the mirror one last time to comb their hair and make themselves presentable and NOT fucking psychotic.

Dive Bomber – one who joins a political group just to troll them.  Has to sometimes build up karma by posting seemingly harmless compliant posts, in which case the troll ends up being particularly egregious.

Facebook Jail

The Double Thumbs-Upper for when yer too lazy to hit an emoji but u wanna seem like you care

The Drama Queen describes internet fights in lurid detail, but doesn’t mention who with explicitly by name, but it’s painfully obvious who it is to anyone who knows both. Incredibly will try to make themselves look like they are above the fray.

The Drinker posts highly inappropriate TMI , like announcing love interests and malformed drunken rants against “the immigrants” often in all caps

The Efficiency-Loving Self-Styled Influencer – Pretty much ignores private messages and feels like communicating with less than multiple people is a waste.

The Escaped Prisoner is often in Facebook Jail, and when they get out, promise to be good. Doesn’t last, especially when they spent a lot of time reading comments on other friend’s posts and eventually find that one crazy uncle.

The Extreme Introvert only has a placeholder as their profile pic and just wants to have some presence on Facebook but with no details added whatsoever and little to no friends

The Every Comment Liker
This person dutifully likes every comment on their post either as an attempt to create a feelgood community of love (“My friends should feel appreciated for helping define their monetization profile with razor precision”) or because they have some OCD tendencies.
If somehow someway they don’t like a particular comment, you know it must be bad so definitely read that comment for some good dirt and drama, a rubbernecking traffic accident thrill. Observing a drunk Facebook comment in the wild is a rare treasure.

The Guilty Share – when you wanna share something from a friend, but the Share button isn’t there, so you just copy and paste it anyway, but being sure to Like the original post as if that absolves you from stealing someone’s fire.

The Half Ass – only content to give a limp dick Thumbs Up after receiving a long thought-out heartstring-pulling meme.

The Halfass Liker – the post deserves a heart or a hug, but this person just gives a Like, because anything else is takes too much effort.  And in the process it kinda looks like he Likes the tragic situation.
See also Inappropriate Emoji Guy

The Hall Monitor//Drama Seeker – If they see someone edited their comment they will go back and see what all the hubub was about and check and see if it was a minor grammar edit or some escalating game changing fuck you reversal

The Happy Birthday Blackmailer – relentlessly posts embarrassingly personal Happy Birthday messages

The Hashtagger, in an effort to appear hip and “meta,” will metaphorically add airquotes by adding inane little emotive hashtags on the end of a post instead of merely add them into their sentences like normal people. #Happy #FacebookSucks #NotintheMoodforThis

The Heart Inflator stopped using thumbs up years ago in favor of the instant love fest that is a heart or the laughing smiley, and now is mildly annoyed that going back to it looks like a step down, so now is stuck taking that little extra time doing passive-aggressive smileys and hearts and the occasional praying hands.
On Youtube, they were among the first to enthusiastically Smash That Like Button as well.
Amount of time they lose over a lifetime suffering this affliction: 4 days 16 hours on average

The Inappropriate Birthday Wisher – Everyone usually says a simple “Happy birthday,” because they know they adding things like “Y’know, you always looked like Fergie from Black Eyed Peas” may be taken wrong

The Inappropriate Laugher LOLs when you post about getting a pancreatic cancer diagnosis or that you finally had to put your dog to sleep.

I Can

The Jack in the Box – friending some long lost friend, and you find out all the rabbit hole sketchy shit they’ve recently been sticking their nose in!

The Jehovah’s Witness starts a little popup group, probably on coke, with some annoying self serving bullshit and invites 80 friends.  The Non-Fire Keeper – is somneone who leaves one of these popup groups.

The Joneses posts nonstop photos of how great their life is. Usually on Instagram, but will also post on Facebook so they can project their elite life to the little people.

The Late Birthday Wisher waits till someone posts a thanks for all the birthday wishes, to comment “Happy Birthday.”

The Late Convo Arrival – like a drunk entering the party at 2am, when everyone is tripping balls, this guy comes in and shits all over everything. Usually someone too close to unfollow, unfriend or block.

The Low Involvement Stalker in action

The Low Involvement Stalker plays the FB minigame of “I would Hit That.” Looks at Likes of people they don’t know and imagine having sex with them. Every new person is a new opportunity for imaginary sex. THEY LIKE ME.
Turns each emoji into a sexual expression – are they a Caring fuck, or a Mouth Open Wide fuck? A Thumbs Up has a new and very flexible meaning.
May add imaginary intoxicants into the mix, i.e. “I would need to be fully coked up and drunk for that one, but it would work.” Or, “200mcg of LSD and we would be at it for 8 hours of technicolor bliss.”Probably doesn’t get laid or is in a forced celibate phase. Or a pandemic is going on and Pornhub is no longer working.
Conveniently for them, the idiosyncrasies of mismatched pheromones and body scent/smell/odor is not a factor, nor is the abject feeling you may have when the sex act is over. Clicking a new page on the Internet is so much easier than dealing with someone on the other side of the bed you may not want there anymore, your body fluids extinguished.
Their Friends list (and friends of friends) is a littered graveyard of past imagined sexual conquests, notches on an imaginary belt.
Never follows through or admits this to anyone.

The Luddite – sends out a copypasted post with a lot of technical jargon about how they do not consent to Facebook using their information, as if their lipss are not firmly wrapped around the muffler.

The Keyboard Warrior spends hours a day arguing politics with people they will never meet. Sometimes they do converse with friends – to post screenshots of their arguments.

Facebook Mural New



The Martyr – Everyone supports the post, but the Late Convo Arrival comes in and shits all over everything. The gives the original poster, The Martyr, sympathy from enlightened friends. But the Martyr will still not unfollow, unfriend or block.

The Molehill Instant Psycho is a former friend who was previously civil but when you ruffle a small feather of theirs, some very minor shibboleth, they go nuclear and super personal on you in ways that only former acquaintances can achieve.

The One Thumb Rager – one who gets mad at just a single thumb (see also the female version, the slut)

The Over Sharer – This one is subjective. One man’s shitpost is another man’s golden shower. Regardless, the pattern is usually that of a vlogger. Personal details. Either posting what they are eating, all the million places they travel too, sex habits, news they obsess over, these people’s boundaries with their friends are hazy at best.

The Passive-Aggressive Selfish Ass Comfort-seeking Lurker will only look at people responding to their posts and not ever read Messenger.

The Passive-Aggressive Laugher -will drop a laugh emoji on sensitive posts; it is obviously a “fuck you”

Porkys

The Peeping Tom treats Facebook like it’s Tinder, but only for lurking- too bashful or honest AND unsuccessful in life (therefore they can’t put on airs of a normal moneyed existence) to join a dating site, when they see a profile they check it out and imagine themselves having sex with that person.
“I’d do her” they say, and imagine how they smell and feel, and the sexual positions they would be in. In that way they can get the feeling of an active sex life. And when it’s all over they go back to whatever they were doing, but if they see that person again, it’s like seeing someone they had sex with while out in public, wink wink.
They may even have a “special folder” where they keep photos and profile links for later consumption. They might also animate the headshots through AI to make that person be more real. Some day, the Peeping Tom hopes, technology will catch up to their lifestyle and the animations will walk, talk, and act like the simulated person. At that point, they will need other people even less than they do now. Just for content.

The Perpetually Infected always sends you that dodgy “Click Me” video. Often an elderly person whose computer is absolutely infected with malware.

FB Disagree

The Popout Disagreer. ^^^

The Proactive Arguer – starts fights with friends and relatives of someone who posts, carrying themselves as if they were a 10-year-old playing Call of Duty on X-Box Live.

The Public Lightning Rod posts controversial comments publicly, so they pull in a lot of random people.

The Reluctant Gen Zer will show up on Facebook every 6 months to dutifully clear out all the comments and messages from their older relatives.

The Rerun – after a Shitfest, the poster will then post, without naming names, an appeal to reason and rationality and common netiquette.

The Revolutionary will post often about leaving Facebook, on Facebook, whether it’s for Parler of that social media platform started by the Wikipedia founder that no one remembers the name of.

The Rip Van Winkle only gets on about the time cicadas start emerging from their shells. They will comment, like, and otherwise interact with ancient posts, and are not an obivious search “troll,” but you can tell they are just getting back on the platform because it the notifications of their interactions just keep pouring in. What do they do with their time, you wonder, in the months or years that they are gone?

The Sad Loner Tryhard – posts wads of mediocre memes and or art on Facebook groups and gets zero likes.  But keeps going.

Scaredy Scroller – that fear you get when going thru friend requests, hoping you won’t see an Ex

Facebook Funeral
Facebook Funeral

The Self Liker always likes their own posts, like a VERY frugal Youtuber or Twitch streamer paying for like bots. Self-liking is closely related to what happens when a lot of people are really into your post:

Jason Masturbate

The Self LOLer adds a LOL to the end of their sentence, a throwback to 70s sitcoms canned laughter

The Single Issue Friend – convos always end up on the same topic, their passion.  You can be discussing skateboarding and somehow they bring the post back to legalization of drugs. They can also go from cause to cause, changing their profile pic quicker than they change shampoo bottles.

The Socialist Contrarian will like posts that only show little to no likes, and won’t like posts everyone else likes. These is mostly to give unpopular friends “a little boost,” but far more rarely, to simply display a hipster-ish impulse to display their not-going-with-the-grain.

The Spread the Love-er. Liked one person’s comment, but feels obligated to go back and like everyone else’s comments, too, to avoid any hurt feelings. As if people are puppies.

Super Extrovert – back in 2009 friended everyone and their feed usually has a wide variety of political opinions from people they don’t know who are always bickering in their comments quantity over quality

The Thirty Second Outrager – posts videos of 30 seconds of cops beating the fuck out of someone, with no context whatsoever, and expects you to also get angry.

The Torturist – though well-intentioned, posts nightmarish videos of animal abuse, as if you ever wanna see that

The Victory Roller – loves to relive their moments of brilliance. When they get a notification that someone Liked their post, this insecure person will go reread or rewatch their original post, and feel that dopamine signifying that They Are Loved slosh around their brains

II. Facebook Groups

This is how Facebook groups work ~

Question: How many group members does it take to change a light bulb?

– 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

– 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

– 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

– 17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions.

– 6 to argue over whether it’s ‘lightbulb’ or ‘light bulb’.

– Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.

– 22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jerks.

– 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is ‘lamp’.

– 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that ‘light bulb’ is perfectly correct.

– 49 to post memes and gifs (several are of Michael Jackson eating popcorn with the words added, “I’m just here for the comments.”)

– 19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page.

– 11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here.

– 24 to discuss the merits of LED/swirly fluorescent light bulbs

– 44 to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you.

– 12 to post F.

– 8 to ask what F means.

– 7 to post ‘Following’ but there’s 3 dots at the top right that means you don’t have to.

– 3 to say “can’t share”

– 2 to reply “can’t share from a closed group”

– 5 to say “You can copy the text by holding your finger on it”.

– 36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs.

– 15 People to post “I can’t see S$%^!” and use their own light bulbs.

– 6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said “f÷×$”

– 4 to say “Didn’t we go through this already a short time ago?”.

– 13 to say “Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs”.

– 1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn’t the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments.

– 50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.

– 5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously.

– 1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.

– 1 to post “stealing” (that was me!)

Metapause

Napster 2023 40x40 Indigo Ico Bigger

Napster 2023 40x40 Indigo Ico Bigger
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