Updated 9 months ago
Actor – Vain, snowflakey, side jobs such as waitress
Accountant – humorless, lack personality, antosocial, stuc up, pedantic assholes. Be sure to ask them to do your taxes for free.
Air Force AKA “Chair Force” – Most intelligent members of the military because the army is stupid, the navy is usually just homophobic jokes and marines are super strong badasses that get the best appeal in social settings. Air Force gets so much funding and it’s stupid. They get hazard pay for papercuts. They get paid MORE if their barracks rooms aren’t in perfect condition. Do pushups laying on their backs. Assigned their own planes. 7 times out of 10 gate guards and 3 out of 10 rentacops.
Air Traffic Control (ATC) – always bitching, always talking too much about nothing and trying to sound smart, always on the landline for absolutely no reason, cautious,
Archaeologist – Stuffy old professor, old hippies, or Indiana Jones. Sexual harass female undergrads.
Architects – overworked, underpaid artistic wannabes shrouded in black, socially maladjusted, only associate with each other, Mike Brady, Howard Roark.
Army – The dregs. They’re fat, don’t know what they’re doing, spoiled rotten
Artist – starving, idealistic, liberal, impractical, hipster
Bail Bondsmen – crooked as a snake, Jackie Brown
Bankers/Businessmen – Ruthless, sociopathic, selfish, greedy, fine with slavery, Gordon Gecko, destroying environment and consumers, profits > all. Would fire 100 single mothers on Christmas Eve if it would create a dollar in extra profit for the company.
Bartender – Alcoholic, has heard it all, partier, uneducated, side job, gets hit on, male
Biochemist – stare into tunes constantly
Brokerage Phone Trader – a dying breed. Once old rich people terrified of computers willing to pay $90 for a single trade are dead, they will be jobless.
Business Analyst – Rich
Car Salesman – Scumbags
CFA (Chartered Financial Analyst) The badasses of the financial world.
Chefs/Cooks – Fat, jovial, alcoholic or some other addiction like gambling or drugs. Chef Booardee. Chefs are generally toxicly masculine, even the women, there’s a long-held belief that to achieve the best performance you have to make the cook afraid.
A lot of chefs cling to this idea though it is diminishing as yelling, personal criticism, physical abuse, etc. has been met with lawsuits or whatever.
Cooks are expected to be working constantly, often on very intensive or ideally, multiple projects.
You get water on for blanching multiple items, you put tomatoes in a pan for a sauce,.you get items in the oven.
Often I’d have upwards of five things “cooking” while I was preparing the raw ingredients, as in butchering fish, chicken, cleaning vegetables, etc.
There’s this sentiment that cooks are introverted but as working in kitchens with good reputations often demand heavy commitment, of at least ten-hour shifts, sometimes for six or seven days a week for a prolonged period, you slowly, at some point, at least personally, find conversational skills to atrophy, especially when you’re taught to speak to fit a very small window of time exclusively.
The physical and mental exhaustion, of having to constantly be aware of multiple processes, having to deal with problems all throughout the shift, saps you of the energy to really do much of any self-development, and if you want to advance, you have to be up on so many trends, etc.
Advancement for a chef often involves a very modest increase in pay to salary and a huge list of new responsibilities.
So chefs are generally not dumb, but very limited, and often, many have troubled histories, whether it’s due to race, mental illness, etc.
For a lot of cooks, this is their last resort in life, and that makes it a very desperately competitive environment.
So you see the full range of human cruelty and apathy on display here.
Not to mention all of the daily stresses amount to a general low lying depression that permeates every restaurant that really adheres to the rules very strictly, as they should be.
The places where cooks are happy seem to generally be a bit more lax in terms of cleanliness and other things.
Michelin star restaurants will literally work their staff close to death, often for minimum wage.
The sad reality is that this experience often translates to more job security but little opportunity for financial growth.
A cook is lucky to make 30,000 a yr. A sous generally starts at 50,000, an executive chef may make close to 80,000 but generally it’s less to like 60,000 or 70,000.
Most chefs think about suicide a lot, that’s a stereotype, most are poor to where the loss of a job will quickly leave them homeless.
Most have had hard lives.
City Worker – Older generation: Lazy
College Student – Partier
Construction Worker – harass women, lazy, fat, overpaid
COO – Glorified manager. No one knows what the hell they even do (except the CEO). They do everything.
Copy Editor
Correction Officer – Get attacked regularly and despise “chomos”
Data Scientist
Dentists – Commit suicide
Digital Marketing
Director – Bossy, difficult, Stanley Kubrick
Doctor – Fuck nurses, aloof
Economists – either a bunch of good-for-nothings giving advice and making predictions that never become true (Most of the time this is not true, it’s either journalists distorting what economists say or fake economists in TV debates) and/or smug, rich, rightwing assholes who think less regulation and more austerity is the solution for everything.
Emergency Manager
Engineer – cold, calculating, anal retentive
Entrepreneur
Evaluator
Farmer – Conservative, complain about federal government. Unsophisticated. Wives walk barefoot.
Fireman – Handsome hero
Fisherman – Poor, rugged, sailorly
Flight Attendant – beautiful, sexy, elegant, friendly sybarites living in an impractical fantasy world, Males are all gay.
Food Industry – Almost everyone is on drugs and spits in your hamburger
Forensics – Easy job, just like on CSI, takes 2 minutes to find shit
Game Artist
Game Industry – Male, white, 25-35, and festively plump with copious amounts of facial hair. Gets away with playing fun games all day. Typical moment: 6th cold cup of coffee while super gluing debug units together on the media room floor because the joystick broke after running your character into Maurice for eight hours trying to recreate a bug where NPCs explode when pushed into bushes.
Everyone has a massive ego. They’re the next Spielberg. Even if the job is of no importance.
Geologists – “Look at that strata!” Lot of beer gimmicks and whatnot at conferences, and a lot of people love make really bad repetitive jokes about drinking out in the field. It’s obviously a really popular thing among geology students at a university level.
Graphic Design – Think they could teach everyone photoshop/adobe creative suite, and that it’s really easy because it’s ‘art’
Gumsmith
Hairstylist – Does cocaine. If male, gay. Some older military vets may ne straight and pump iron though.
Intern
IT
IT Helpdesk
Janitor – Spend all day holding a mop. Sex offenders.
Journalist – Smokes, alcoholic
Laptop DJ
Law Student
Lawyer – Unethical ambulance chasers, Saul Goodman
Librarian – Old women, glasses, power-hungry freaks, hair in a bun, perpetually frowning
Line Cooks – Stereotyped as foul-mouthed, tattooed, possibly have a record, competitive, drug-coping, and obsessed with detail. The days of people thinking it’s a little fairyland of happily prancing chefs are over thanks to Gordon Ramsay’s shows. Oh, and frankly depressingly male-dominated.
Loan Officer – Sleazy. Spend money beyond their means in an effort to appear successful. Use cocaine like it’s a powdered energy drink
Locksmith
Mailman – Mass shooter, insane
Marine – crayon eating, Mattis worshipping, alcoholic, insane, literally retarded death machines who will literally marry a crack whore just to get out of the barracks, they’re all like super depressed and easily tricked into ponzi schemes/pyramid scams, thinks that 25% interest on an Audi that doesn’t work is a GREAT idea. I could go on…
Marine Biologist – idealistic dolphin lovers
Market Research
Marketing
Masseuse – If female, a prostitute. If male, constantly has to fight stereotypes and all have stories of lecherous cougars.
Mathematicians
Mechanic – dishonest, sexist asshats
Mental health – female and do gooders
Military Girlfriend
Model – Anorexic
Model Agent – Gay or philanderer
Modeler
Molecular Biologist
Movers – bad backs, thieves
Navy – everyone seems to think they’re gay. Village People song? Also, Corpsmen have a universal cure for anything– new socks, water, and ibuprofen. Doesn’t seem to fail them.
NASA
Network Engineer
Nurse – Overworked, drug addicts, dumb, ready for sex, or, Nurse Ratched
Occupational Therapist
Oil & Energy Analyst
Orthodox Priest
Pharmacist – Overpaid store clerk who just puts pills in a bottle and goes out of their way to annoy and harass you.
Pilots – male, fearless, fit, , studs, military, perfect vision, work 3 days a month. Cheap. Control freaks. Highly intelligent but not intellectual. Typical pose: wearing a polo with aviators and a big Breitling on, arms crossed, looking off into the distance, plane behind them.
Photographer – Stalkers
Physical Therapist – Patient
Pianist
Plumber – Lazy, late, dishonest, fat
Police – assholes, trigger happy
Politician – philanderer, selfish, corrupt
Professor – nutty Ivory Tower, lazy, fuck their students, liberal, unkempt, corrupt youth
Programmer/IT – Introverted geek bad social skills bad people skills, prefer company of technology over people. Hardworking, insecure about outsourcing, condescending, underappreciated, unkempt, junk food, beard/stubble, hackers, racist/ misogynist, incel
Property Manager
Prisoner – Ex-cons never reform. Weak men get raped in prison. Shot Callers run everything.
Production Designer
Professor
Psychologist/Psychiatrist – liberal, turtleneck
Public Relations
Radiologists – Hate the light and rich AF
Recruiter
Retail – Hate themselves and the customer
Sales – Dishonest, overdressed, obsequious, pompous, pushy
Direct Sales: living the “Wolf of Wall Street” lifestyle, people who meet them during their consultations think they’ll run into someone from “Glengarry Glenross.”
Scientist – cold, emotionless, no social skills, impractical
Secretary – Female, office politics, chatting behind people’s back and an excess of cakes/diets/tea rotation
Security (Club) – Giant black guys who are moonlighting, working off child support
Security (Hospitals) – Stereotype: Paul Blart Mall Cop, ie sit in office all day looking at cameras, barely do anything
Reality: Get hurt a lot by patients, get yelled at, get into physical altercations, kick drug addicts off property, see a lot of fucked up stuff.
SEO (Search Engine Optimization)
Social Media
Social Worker – Liberal
Software Developer
Software Engineer – silicon valley style hotshot brogrammer, beer fridges and ping pong
Sports Talk Hosts – generally lazy and quote others people work. Very little creativity all make the same lame jokes about the same story that was beat to death by someone else or the play radio and fake an opinion
The status quo is expected to be just edgy enough for marketing but don’t really talk about anything so advertisers feel safe
Over a decade experience working in a media I recognize it for what it is and do my own thing I use the platform to my benefit (creating soon to be your favorite new podcast)
Sex Worker – Prostitutes, STDs, drug addicts
Student – Teacher’s Pet, Class Clown
International Student
Student Teacher
Surgeon – conservative high achiever
System Administrator
Teacher –
Teachers talk shit about their students behind closed doors 100% of the time.
And complain about their pay.
And their classes.
And the school in general.
To students: Overserious disciplinarians who love books and education. Genius, old, a buzzkill, an authority, an annoyance, an impediment to “fun”, and apparently blind, deaf, and dumb. And too demanding. Because who wants to study when you can fail, then beg for extra credit, get denied, and still fail? Repeat for ten months.
…or: they are to be respected, praised, cherished, and appreciated precisely because they’re some kind of inspiring miracle teacher like in the movies and they are expected to sacrifice pay, time, health, sanity, and lifestyle to be a working martyr for the kids. “We know it’s hard and it sucks, but…you know…it’s for the kids. You don’t want to let down the kids…do you?”
To public: Stressed out, underappreciated, child molesters, “Those who can, do. Those who can’t, teach.” There are no male middle school English teachers.
ESL teacher: didn’t go to university, lazy, uneducated, loser back home, aimless, not qualified to teach, broke.
Male gym teachers fuck the girls if given half a chance
Political science is all liberal.
Tech Support
Technical Writer – all-knowing dicks. Bad writers outside of their niche, as in cannot communicate with human beings in writing in any meaningful way
Tennis Player – Over the top grunter, self talker, racquet abuse rager
Think Tank – Scarf-wearing, obscure coffee-drinking, smug people who honestly believe they’re changing government policy and making an impact on the world when they’re just writing what they’ve been paid to write.
Truck Driver – Dirty, swearing, perverted, meth using low-class Trump supporters
Undertakers – Necrophiles
Unemployed – NEET (Not in Education, Employment, or Training) – Lazy, smokes pot, socially anxious, addicted to games/anime, pathetic losers. Live with parents. Spends their days tweaking their Tumblr pages and making web sites full of meaningless data.
Urban Planner
UX Designers walk around calling random everyday things “bad user experiences.”
Vet Tech
Veterinarian – Animal lover, liberal
Warehouse worker – fat, lazy, alcoholic degenerates who are too lazy/and or stupid to go to college. Most have side hustles for cash. Drugs, moonshine, fencing, guns, you name it they’ve probably got someone doing it. Plus they probably get paid way better than you when it’s all said and done.
Web Developer – MacBook Pro is covered in stickers
Wedding Photographer
Wedding Planner
Writer/author – Old generation: stuck in a smoke-filled room, partway through two bottles of whiskey and wearing the same clothes all week. Bonus bag of at least three ex-husband/wife for inspiration.
Modern generation: MacBook Pro at Starbucks, iPhone/Samsung Galaxy whatever at the ready for annoying loud call to agent. Bonus angst hand waving during the “creative process”
